Every morning of my life, two carers come into my bedroom to get me out of bed. They shower me, dress me, put me in the chair. None of my days start with me doing this on my own.
And every morning, similar exchange. Morning, Steven. How are you? Yeah, I'm fine. How was your day?
Same words. Years of them.
But here is the thing I have noticed. The same words are different every time. With one carer, automatic, slipping past both of us before either has thought. With another, considered, said with a pause that lets the question actually land. Most mornings my words come out before I've even thought about it. Some mornings I pause, notice that today is hard, and I say I'm fine anyway.
It's totally unrealistic for anybody to be fine every day, especially for years on end. But we almost don't like admitting to how much sometimes we struggle.
I'm fine is armour. Sometimes the armour is a kindness. Sometimes it is the right answer. It keeps the small social moments small. It keeps our vulnerability at bay.
The trouble starts when the armour stays on. With everyone. With no breath between the question and the answer. Eventually we are alone with the things we did not name. And the people who love us, who would have helped if asked, are kept on the other side of a door we forgot we closed.
There is a teaching from Brené Brown that names the cost cleanly. We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions. When you put on the armour to dampen the hard, you dampen the closeness, the kindness, the joy too. The sun comes through the same window.
Just sometimes it's good to be honest and have the conversation we need. Today's a hard one. I didn't sleep well. My back's playing up. Or just one breath of pause before the autopilot answers for you.
This week, when someone asks how you are, take one breath before you answer. Just one. You don't have to change the answer. You just have to give yourself the chance to.
This week, I will take one breath before I say I'm fine.
New meditation: When Anxiety Visits: A Quick Meditation for Anxious Moments (IPM101). A short, gentle practice for any moment when anxiety has shown up and you want to meet it instead of fight it.
New podcast episode: "I'm Fine": When It's Armour, When It's Honest, and How to Tell (EP166). On the two words we say most, the armour they become, and what happens when we open the hand a little earlier.
Be gentle with yourself this week. The armour did its job. It got you here. And it will still be there when you need it. But once a day, maybe with one person, maybe just with yourself in the mirror, try the other answer.
Just before I go, let me ask you, how are you? Yes, that is an invitation to reply to this email.
Much love, Steven
If you would like to support, listen to the podcast, or just say hello: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you to everyone who supported me with a coffee or a PayPal donation recently: Alex Mace, Nina, Zoe Ross, A Ma, Kevin Geekie, Katarzyna Raclaw, Deborah Carvery, Christopher Thomas, and Ariel Kuhl. And a special thank you to MumMik's Cleaning Services who bought one of my courses. It means more than you know.