How are you doing? Not the polite version. How are you actually doing?
I ask because I've struggled this week, and I'd rather tell you than pretend.
I pushed everything to the weekend, then to this morning. Then I sat down and watched rubbish on YouTube, then more rubbish, then found myself on Amazon shopping for things I don't need with money I can't spare. Yesterday I voiced out my to do list. Forty eight things. I looked at it and did none of them. Seriously, some of them would take me less time than putting them on the list.
I know my signs by now. I stop opening emails. WhatsApp messages sit unread, because reading them means replying. The TV stays on too late. And the quiet things that hold me together go missing first. The morning sit, the journal, the one chapter a day. Nobody notices those going. Not even me, for a while. When things are feeling good because of meditation and because of these things, we feel we don't need them. Then we let them drop.
My spasms have been rough too, and when that happens I don't drink enough water, and that road ends in antibiotics. I become my own victim, and I think we all do it. In some way, that rewards us with the internal hero battling through another tough time.
Epictetus said some things are in our control and others not. Most of it isn't. My spasms aren't. But the glass of water is. The five minute sit is. The one reply is.
I don't know about you, but when I'm suffering, in my case overwhelmed this time, I try to control the things that are not in my control because I think they will improve things. When I've sorted out there, I can then do my thing. It hasn't worked in over 50 years and for the whole of evolution, but who knows?
Perhaps we have the answer. I'm laughing.
So no podcast this week, and no new meditation. That's me doing the thing I keep telling you to do. Putting something down instead of carrying all of it badly.
I'm sure you can find something in the 170 podcast and over 100 meditations via the link at the bottom.
I did record something though. This morning I sat in front of the camera and talked about all this, and halfway through we stop and sit for a few minutes and drop the whole list on the floor. No editing, no polish. It's on my Buy Me a Coffee page for everyone who supports me there.
Tangent...That's just reminded me those of you that donate via PayPal don't automatically see it. I will fix that this week. 49 items 😂😀
Right, I'm off to my parents' for my niece's birthday barbecue. I love a barbecue, the more burnt the better.
Your turn. What are your signs, the ones that show up long before you'd say "I'm struggling" out loud? Hit reply and tell me. I read every one.
And if all you manage this week is the glass of water, that counts. Some weeks that's the practice.
At some moments, that is your mountain.
Much love, Steven
Thank you to everyone who treated me to a coffee this week: Sarah, Daniel, Helen, Venetia and @holycowbatman. Venetia told me that after thirty years of trying, meditation has finally clicked. That made my week. To the regulars who keep this going month after month, Susan, Rosie, Laura and Cheryl among them, and to the kind anonymous souls and everyone on Insight Timer, thank you too.
If you would like to support, listen to the podcast, or just say hello: stevenwebb.uk