I say something in the chamber that comes out wrong, and by the time I am home I have said it forty times over in my head.
That is the bit that gets me. Not the saying of it. The saying of it again.
The Buddha had a way of describing this. Life fires arrows at you. You cannot dodge them all. Some land, some hurt badly, some only graze you. Then we do something daft. We pick up the bow and we reload the arrow and fire it again this time at ourselves. Then a hundred.
And we have brilliant aim.
Life is hit and miss. Somebody says something cruel and half of it misses, because they were tired, or careless, or really aiming at somebody else. We never miss. We know exactly where the soft bit is. So we go back to it at eleven at night, and again at two in the morning, until a thing that took them one second to say becomes something we believe about ourselves.
What they say might land. What we say always lands.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I think it was the Buddha that said it but nobody's totally sure. It is the second arrow they meant, and the third, and all the rest.
I will not pretend the second arrows never serve us. Sometimes the replaying is how we work out what we actually think. Sometimes it hands us the hero part in our own story, and there are weeks when I need that. Most of the time it is just extra pain for nothing.
So what do we do about it.
I wish I had something cleverer. All I have is this: notice. Catch the moment you draw the bow. That is the whole of it. I have never met anybody who has mastered this, and if you crack it, write and tell me, I mean that genuinely. What I do know is that the more I catch myself doing it, the quicker I put the thing down, and the less I suffer.
That is the spiritual journey, as far as I can tell. Not incense and cushions. Are you suffering less than you were?
If you are suffering more, something is off. If you are gripping harder, at peace of all things, something is off. If there are more moments in your week where you are just alright, where you notice a butterfly, or the light coming through a leaf on a walk, and you smile at nothing much, it is working.
I owe you an apology for the last two weeks. No Weekly Calm, no word from me. I have been firing arrows at myself and a fair few of them landed.
Thank you to everyone that reached out. I may not have replied but I read them all and I deeply appreciate it. I've got a little list of meditations to write and record from your ideas. Keep them coming.
Much love, Steven
Two to sit with this week, both on this same thing:
Inner Peace Meditations 109. Listen here or on Apple or Spotify
Stillness in the Storms 172. Listen here or on Apple or Spotify
The list a little longer because it has been nearly three weeks. Thank you to everyone who treated me to a coffee or supported me through PayPal these last three weeks: Sue, Fran, Ruth, Jane, Kelly, Gigi, Cheryl, Nina and Ray, Martina, Annie, Katherine, Kate, Jennifer, Anna, Stefan, Trudi and Diana.
And to the regulars who keep this going month after month: Adam, Alison, Audra, Catherine, Denise, Dominique, Dova, Ellen, Glenn, Jenna and Mia, Jude, Kellee, Kylin, Laurie, Liz, Marcie, Paula, Ptolemy, Rita, Sandi, Senga, Simon, Stephen, Sue and Susan.
To the three of you who kept it anonymous, and to everyone on Insight Timer, thank you too.
If you would like to support, listen to the podcast, or just say hello: stevenwebb.uk