Imagine you are sitting on a bench in a quiet park. The birds are singing, the world is carrying on around you, but nobody needs you right now. Nobody is calling your name. Just for a moment, let that be okay. Let the stillness hold you. Breathe. You are allowed to simply be here.
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Most of us build our identity around what we do for other people. The parent who is always there. The partner who makes the tea. The one who holds it all together. Layer by layer, we wrap our sense of self around these roles until we cannot tell where the role ends and we begin.
It works, for a while. When everyone needs you, there is no time to question who you are. You are needed, and that is enough.
But then something shifts. The children grow up. The career winds down. A relationship changes shape. And you are left standing in a quiet room thinking: now what?
That feeling is not weakness. It is grief. You are mourning a version of yourself. And grief can sit right alongside gratitude. You can be thankful for everything you had and still feel the ache of it changing.
If you are feeling that right now, there is nothing wrong with you. This disorienting moment is actually an invitation. Life is gently saying: you spent all those years looking after everyone else. Now it is your turn.
You are not your roles. You never were. Those were things you did, and you did them beautifully. But the actor is not the character they play. Who you are is the one who remains when all of that falls away. And that person is still here, quietly waiting.
Find five minutes of quiet this week. Sit with a cup of tea, go for a short walk, or sit in your car before you go into the house. Then ask yourself this one question: what would I do today if nobody needed anything from me?
Do not judge the answer. Do not analyse it. Just notice what comes up. It might be something small. I would read a book. I would sit in the garden. I would do absolutely nothing. Whatever it is, that is the thread. And over time, if you keep pulling gently on that thread, it will lead you somewhere real. It will lead you back to yourself.
When was the last time you did something purely because you wanted to, not because someone else needed you to?
And if you cannot remember, what does that tell you?
This week, I will remember that who I am is not defined by who needs me.
New meditation: Morning Abundance: Seeing What Was Always There
Listen on your favourite platform: Apple or Spotify
Who Are You When No One Needs Anything?
Listen on your favourite platform: Apple or Spotify
A personal note
This one is close to home for me. When I was Mayor of Truro, a few previous mayors pulled me aside and warned me. They said something along the lines of: one day you are important, everyone wants your time and your opinion, and then suddenly, almost overnight, it feels like you are nobody.
I did not fully understand it at the time. But they were not wrong. When the role ended, I felt it. The new mayor was in the room and I found myself quietly thinking: well, who am I now? Not the jealous way.
And it is the same with my daughter. She is grown up now, but every month I see her phone bill still coming out of my bank account. And every month I think I should tell her to put it in her name. But I do not, because part of me is holding on. Who am I if I am not the dad who helps?
I think we all do this in different ways. We cling to the roles because they give us a sense of purpose. But there is something underneath all of those roles, something quieter, something that does not need a title or a job description or someone to look after. And that something is worth getting to know.
Be gentle with yourself this week.
You are not your roles. You are the one who remains when all the roles fall away.
Much love, Steven
With gratitude to
Thank you to everyone who supported me with a coffee recently: Senga, Tiffany, Francie, Kay. Caroline, Ruth, Mazdak, Cara, Suja, Kate, Kerry, Laura, Larissa, Karol, and a couple kind anonymous souls. It means more than you know.
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