There Is No Steven in Here: What I Learned at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool

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I was lying on the bottom of a swimming pool with a broken neck. At first I was terrified I was going to die. Then things went warm, and the fear went, because there wasn’t really a Steven there to be frightened.

I was the pool. I was the people next to me. I was the field outside. It took me 20 years to find someone who could tell me what that was.

This episode is about the question underneath every other question. Who am I? Not the dad, the son, the councillor, the bloke in the wheelchair who did the 500 miles. Who is the one behind all of that?

A listener emailed this week. Their child is off to university and they are asking, who am I now? You hold a role for long enough and it becomes you. Then it goes, and you are left holding nothing.

A surgeon could open up my head and dig as deep as he likes. He will not find Steven in there. In deep sleep there is no Steven either. We boot up in the morning like a computer and the roles load in.

So I go looking for who is doing the looking. Who is watching the breath when you meditate. The onion, layer after layer, each one only able to see the one outside it. The Buddha’s answer, anatta, not self. And Jack Kornfield’s smoker who wakes from a stroke and cannot remember he ever smoked.

I am not asking you to wipe out everything you have built in your head. The cities of belief are fine. I just think there is something under them, and once you have seen it the roles become something you can play with rather than something you are trapped in.

My daughter found this terrifying when I told her. I find it the most freeing thing I know.

No adverts, no sponsors, and it stays that way.

What is in this one

(00:00) Who is doing the observing, if I’m not the meditator?
(02:00) Lily Tomlin always wanted to be somebody, and should have been more specific
(03:00) The listener whose child is leaving for university
(03:30) Dad on the phone to my daughter, Son to my mum, Councillor to a resident
(05:00) The surgeon who could dig through my head and never find Steven
(06:00) The ginger haired boy, the joker, the one in the wheelchair
(07:00) Why I’m a councillor, and the move to Truro that started it
(08:00) Toni Morrison, the onion, and the layer that cannot see five layers out
(09:00) Your body knows how to relax, so who did the relaxing?
(11:00) Are you aware? The gap at the end of the question
(12:30) Anatta, the Buddha’s name for what he could not find
(13:00) Jack Kornfield’s smoker who woke up from a stroke
(14:00) The tents, the villages and the concrete cities in your head
(15:30) The bottom of the swimming pool
(16:30) The day I told my daughter and she said stop
(17:00) Every moment is a rebirth, and the ego loves it
(19:00) Your practice for the rest of the day

Your homework this week

Sit and ask the question, who am I? That’s your practice for the next few hours. Every time you become aware, even slightly, just ask, what role am I playing right now?

And if you catch that little gap of pure awareness and hold it for a few seconds, you’re doing brilliant. You’re doing better than me.

Notable quotes from this episode

“If a surgeon was to open up my head, he could dig as deep as he likes. He’s not gonna find anywhere Steven. It’s not in there.” (05:00)

“I know how to be a human because I am human. I don’t wake up in the morning and go, okay, how do I become human today?” (09:30)

“What are the roles? They’re just memories. They’re just stories you tell yourself. They’re chapters.” (13:00)

“At some point, it wasn’t a fact that I wasn’t frightened. It was because I didn’t really exist. There was like this weird awareness of everything. I was the swimming pool. I was the people next to me. I was the field.” (16:00)

“Every single moment is a rebirth. In the morning, or when you answer the phone, you rebirth that person in that role in that moment.” (17:00)

Thank you

Anita, Brandy, HJ, Irma, Jane, Karin, Lorraine, Sergio, Sue and Yuva. This podcast does not exist without you.