What would you miss? This episode is about suicide, my granddad’s and my own, and the one question that kept me here. If you need help right now, the numbers are just below.
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I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm. The next morning Andy woke me and said they had found him. At 18 my heart was broken and I tried to end my life, and later that year I broke my neck and lay in a hospital bed thinking I was better off not here. Years on, at rock bottom again, I wrote a note, printed it, left it face down and went out in my chair with a plan. I sat there for two hours. What stopped me was my stepdaughter Kember and one thought: I wonder what she will become. I did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop, and I think that is true of almost everybody who says they do not want to be here. Around the world 727,000 people a year die by suicide, one every 43 seconds. Three in four are men, and the men most at risk are 50 to 54, which is right where I am. So this is the conversation.
One thing to try: If you are anywhere near that door, ask one question. Not what will I lose, not what will I gain. What will I miss? Then hang on for a few more weeks. And if it is someone you love, ask them: just for a moment, tell me what you would miss.
In this episode
- (0:00) Who World Suicide Prevention Day is for, and a warning
- (1:47) 727,000 a year. Three in four are men, and I am the age most at risk
- (2:53) I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm
- (4:21) 18, heartbroken, and a cry for help
- (5:35) Lying in hospital with a broken neck, thinking I was better off not here
- (7:12) The note on the computer, and two hours at the edge
- (9:21) The thought that stopped me: I wonder what she will become
- (10:39) A permanent solution to a temporary problem
- (13:46) The text my daughter sends us now, and why it works
- (15:58) What will I miss? The one question, and the numbers to ring
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Steven
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