"I'm Fine": When It's Armour, When It's Honest, and How to Tell

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Steven Webb: Hello and welcome.

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I'm Steven Webb.

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This is Stillness in the Storms, and
this is the podcast that helps you

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to find peace in difficult times.

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No fluff, no quick fix.

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It's just honest down to
earthwards from someone who

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tries to live every single day.

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So today I want to talk about so
huge thank you to Alex, Nina, Zoe

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A Ma, Kevin, Katarzyna, Deborah,
Christopher, Ariel for supporting

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me with a coffee or PayPal donation.

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Recently, a special thank you goes
out to Mum Mix Cleaning Services.

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Bought a course this week
and yeah, it all helps.

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You're amazing.

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You keep this podcast
completely advert free.

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And if you'd like to join them,
you can find me at StevenWebb.uk.

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So today I want to talk about two
words, probably the two most common

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words spoken in the English language.

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Two words that I say almost every
single day, and you probably do too.

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I'm fine.

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Or maybe I'm good and I want to look
at why we say it and what it costs

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us and what happens when we don't.

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So the core question is what are we
actually doing when we say I'm fine?

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So for the last 35, 34, 35 years.

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I've had two carers come in and get me
outta bed now then if I was poorly, they

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may have just washed me and sometimes
on the, when I was 12 months on the

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spinal unit, it may have just been one.

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So the amount of times I've said I'm
fine or I'm good, or a variation of

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it, given there's two of them is,
and I did do a quick calculation.

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It's probably 25,000 times by the
time I've probably said it more

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times during the day as well.

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When the changeover that is 25,000
little encounters that maybe probably

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1% of them I might have said, no,
I'm struggling today, or Now I'm

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tired, or something different.

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But in general, the conversation goes
the same way every single morning.

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I have five main carers and some
of them have been with me 30 years,

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and some of them have been with me
on and off for 20 years, and others

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have been with me for several years.

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But what's really interesting as the
more time goes on, the more I meditate

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and the more I try to take notice,
and it only happens about one in 20

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times that I actually take notice.

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But every single carer and every single
encounter, however benign we think it is.

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Good morning.

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How are you doing?

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Yeah, I'm fine.

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Whoever initiates that is
different with each carer.

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It's, some of them don't speak first.

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Some of them I've almost
always gotta say hi first.

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Other ones, they're saying hi on
the way in through, and some of

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them when I say, how was your day?

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They'll pause and think about it.

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Others would just go, yeah, it's fine.

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Yeah, it's good.

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And it's really interesting
and it isn't always the same.

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Some of them will just stop and think.

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Some of them don't even hear you
and I can really tell the difference

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in whether they're there, whether
they're really thinking about it.

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Whe whether they're okay.

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Even if they say the words,
I'm fine or I'm good.

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'cause you can just
tell when you slow down.

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But with that said, most of
the time it's still automatic.

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Nearly 90, 95% of the
time, it's automatic.

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I go through town, yeah, I'm fine.

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Yeah, I'm good.

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And when I encounter people,
especially open social times, I'm good.

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And sometimes you might
carry on the conversation.

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So more and more recently I've
been thinking about it and.

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I think of all the opportunities
that are missed that we could

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just connect with someone, even an
always complete stranger or someone

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we haven't seen for a long time.

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Where we just stop and go
and they go, how you doing?

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You go, do you know what?

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I'm really struggling.

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You don't need to do anything with it.

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But I'm really struggling at the
moment and it opens the door for

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them to go, do you know what?

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Me too.

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Because I dunno.

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Anyone that isn't struggling
with something, I dunno.

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Anyone that wouldn't like to.

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Just share just something they're going
through and we wear the, I'm fine or

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I'm good, as like armor, it protects us.

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It doesn't let anybody in, and
it also allows us to show up.

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It keeps the day moving.

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There's nothing wrong with this armor
and sometimes I'm fine is the best

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answer because there is conversations
I don't wanna have with someone.

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And it might be that particular person.

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It might be why I'm feeling it could
be, and I might even be not feeling good

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and I might jazz it up a bit and go,
yeah, no, I'm really good at the moment.

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Anyway, I'll see you again as I drive
off because it is a useful tool.

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It's not something we should
write, never say I'm fine.

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Again, block those words
from our vocabulary.

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And I think I've heard someone say
about that on a podcast at some

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point for the next three weeks.

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I want you to never say I'm fine.

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It's just not practical.

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It just doesn't work.

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I struggle with advice, things
like that, but it's a good tool.

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But if we use it wisely, again,
it's like I say to everything.

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Everything has a healthy
and unhealthy version.

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If you are on autopilot all the
time, and that's your go-to answer

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no matter what and with everybody,
then it's quite unhealthy.

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But if you choose to do that with
certain people and you choose to stop

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and pause and answer it honestly because.

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Sometimes when I ask the carers
in the morning, sometimes

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I'm not of the mood to care.

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I don't care about their answer.

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I care if their legs fall in off or
something bad happened, but I'm not that

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worried if they got into traffic on the
way in or they've had a rough weekend.

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People look at me as a
really caring person.

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I'm really not.

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I'm working on it, but I'm really not.

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So sometimes when I ask the
question, how are you doing?

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It's quite shallow.

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Other times I ask the question
after I've meditated and after

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I've slowed down a little bit, I
go, anyway, how was your weekend?

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I genuinely wanna know.

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I'm really interested.

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And it's not just conversation.

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And those times I do hope that
they pause and they think about it.

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So there's three main reasons we
don't want to burden other people

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with it, especially when someone
who especially cannot fix it.

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And especially if we know they're
going through problems themselves.

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We don't want that person, the one
who is always struggling to know,

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and we genuinely believe that.

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If we say it enough, it'll be true.

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We'll believe it.

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If we go around, just think positive,
be on the positive side of life.

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I personally think that's bollocks.

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Just think positive is just an
absolute worst bit of advice in

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spiritual and in self-help and books.

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It's terrible.

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And I've got several podcasts, what to do.

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Changing the way your subconscious
mind gives you more positive thoughts

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or more thoughts that you genuinely
like because it's not the fact that we

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don't like our thoughts, it's just the
fact that we don't like the thoughts,

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we don't like, we don't mind our
thoughts when they're nice thoughts.

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No one wants to get rid of them
unless they're in a bit too

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much and it's a bit awkward.

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We all know that scenario.

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I think there's a cost to, I'm fine
and I think it's a heavy cost because

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even if someone you're relatively close
to and they say, how are you doing?

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And listen to how they do it.

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If they look up and go,
hi, so how are you doing?

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That's a genuine question.

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If you open the door and go, how are you?

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That's not a genuine question.

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Not always.

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People talk differently.

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I'm no expert on how people talk, but
you can tell when someone looks at

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you and actually stops what they're
doing and asks you, how are you?

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That's your cue to go.

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Do you know what?

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Gimme a moment.

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Thank you for asking.

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This is how I'm feeling.

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That is a real connection.

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That's a real opportunity.

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And the thing is, you can
even tell them that you don't

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need to do anything with this.

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'cause I get the impression that you've
got enough on your plate as well.

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But thank you so much for listening
because we're not listened to.

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We want the world to hear us.

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We want the whole world
to see our suffering.

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We want the whole world to
see what we're going through.

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And I'll be honest, we do.

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Let's be honest about this, and we
also want the whole world to know

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how much of a hero we're being,
because I've done this as well.

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I spoke about this and I normally get
quite a reaction when I say about this, is

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we all do believe we're a hero in our own
lives, whether we are going through a hard

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time, we have that dialogue in our head.

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Do you know what I'm doing?

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All right?

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Despite everything I'm fighting,
despite everything, I'm still here.

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We have got that hero's journey in
our head, and of course we have it.

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We have to have it because we
wouldn't really function, we wouldn't

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really see any point in life.

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We would lose all kind of
hope if we didn't have that.

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Even when we're the most
victimized part of our life.

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Victimized is that word.

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Even at that most time when, and we're all
victims at time or our own thinking, we

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can still think of ourselves as the hero.

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And we tend to tell the
story from that perspective.

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We don't wanna say it out loud
because we think that's arrogance.

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We think that's, but it's not.

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There is a fine line between confidence
and arrogance and being honest and being

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proud of who you are and what you do.

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As always, I'm going off topic,

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but when someone does ask you a,
just see if that's that little pause.

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See if they're taking
the question seriously.

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And it is just a way of saying,
I'm here for you for a moment.

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And I don't think enough
people are honest.

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I don't think people are honest nowadays.

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I think we're so full of the chaos
of life that we don't want to sit

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down or we don't think we have time.

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And the cup of tea that we have with
a friend, we almost want it to be a

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lovely, positive, upbeat conversation.

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I'll tell you what, A honest conversation
over a cup of tea for 40 minutes

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saying, I'm struggling because of
this, and the other person says the

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same, that's the best conversation you
of all day because the old adage was

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that problem shares a problem halved.

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I don't know.

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I dunno quite where that comes
from, but it certainly feels better

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to have been heard, to be seen.

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And I dunno where this fits on the
spiritual journey or anything like

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that, but there's a twofold to this.

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There's the listening.

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If you ask a question, pause,
look at them, genuinely hear it.

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And remember, you don't need to fix it.

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You don't need to jump in.

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If they've had a bad day, just listen.

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And do what my nan does.

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Whenever anybody used to come in,
moaning to my nan and whatever happened.

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I remember going in one day,
moaning about a couple of people

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and about what they thought of me.

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I was like 17 at the time, and my nan
just looked up and goes, well, I'm sure

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they thought very highly of you as well.

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Would you like a cup of tea?

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And God, she was like a zen master
that was like cut to the bone.

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It's like, yeah, they probably
thought the same about me actually.

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And yeah, a cup of tea.

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Fix everything.

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More tea in that.

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An old English thing.

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More tea.

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Vicar.

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I have no idea what that's about.

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Swift.

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It's got bad connotations.

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I apologize now I have no idea.

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I love one.

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One of my favorite quotes is by Brene
Brown, and if you haven't read her books,

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read her books about vulnerability.

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They're so easy to read.

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Thank you Brene Brown for your
vulnerability and your honesty.

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She said "we cannot selectively
numb emotions. When we numb the

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painful emotions. We also numb
the positive emotions." So going

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back to that conversation with
a friend over a cup of tea.

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You have to have both conversations,

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and if someone's trying to avoid
it, just allow them to avoid it.

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If they do say, I'm fine.

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And you just say, are
you sure, I can listen.

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And they go, no, really, I'm fine.

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Leave it at that.

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Don't push.

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And just to drive home the honesty, A
great zen master was on his deathbed.

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His students gathered
around him expecting wisdom.

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They expected him to die
the way he had lived.

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Calmly, peacefully, accepting.

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The end is natural.

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They had studied with him for decades.

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They knew his teachings on impermanence.

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They knew his teachings on deaf.

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They were waiting for the final lesson.

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And the master opened his eyes.

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He looked at them and in a small
voice, he said, I don't want to die.

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Then he died.

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The students were shaken.

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Some were embarrassed by their teacher.

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They had wanted some noble exit.

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They felt cheated.

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They felt like it would
be the ultimate lesson.

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But one of them years later understood the
master had given them the final teaching.

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Even then, the teaching was the truth.

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He didn't perform peace.

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He didn't dress up his fear in robes.

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He told them what was exactly the true
at the moment, I don't want to die.

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That was the most enlightening
thing he could have said.

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Because it was honest.

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Because it was honest then okay,
the astute among you are gonna go.

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Yeah, but that's the ego.

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Yes it is.

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'cause that's what dies.

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It's the I that dies.

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And he deliberately said,
I don't want to die.

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And that was the ego being honest.

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The ego's not a bad thing.

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The ego is what it is.

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The ego is your stories.

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It's who you are.

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It's the roles you play.

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It's technically not who
you are, but it's who you.

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It's what we use to be able to experience
life through, no, that's not even

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correct, but that's a different podcast.

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I know that story.

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You may have heard that story.

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He is told in many different traditions
and there's a particular zen master

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that apparently said it, but it is an
old story and it fits with any anybody.

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I think the honest answer is, and the
honest answer might not be that either,

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and I think honesty is treated as a flaw.

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It's worth saying that.

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I think most of us just
feel fear of being honest.

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What if I actually tell them
I'm having a really crap day?

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What if I tell them I want to cry?

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So Thursday afternoon, I was
sat here about two o'clock.

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I felt really emotional and
I don't know what it was.

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I really don't.

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But I felt so overwhelmed.

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I felt so tired and.

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I just cried.

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I cried for about 15, 20 minutes
and then I think I fell asleep.

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'cause my head, I suddenly
woke up with my head, like just

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leaning forward in a chair.

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My neck nearly felt like
it broke and I was so sore.

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But boy did I need that.

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00:17:49,955 --> 00:17:54,305
And I don't really remember what it
was about now, but I messaged one of

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my friends and said, you know what?

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I'm feeling really emotional right now.

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And she listened.

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And you know what I did?

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I did my normal A DHD thing just
before I actually fell asleep.

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I bought a book and because that
book solves everything, and I

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messaged her and said, guess what?

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I've got gone and done.

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She said, go on.

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So I bought a book.

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00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:19,560
She said, of course you have.

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And I laughed.

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00:18:21,330 --> 00:18:22,560
That made me laugh so much.

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00:18:22,590 --> 00:18:23,400
Of course you have.

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'cause that's what we do.

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00:18:25,815 --> 00:18:30,645
We reach out to try to fix our problems
in that moment, I went on to Amazon.

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I bought a book.

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I'm probably not even gonna read it, but
it was a step in the right direction to

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00:18:39,075 --> 00:18:44,625
fix my life in that moment because I felt
like my life was spiraling, but it wasn't.

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00:18:44,625 --> 00:18:47,025
It was just a moment of emotion.

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00:18:48,945 --> 00:18:57,825
So just before I go, just let me say this
clearly and I am as messed up as you are.

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I'm still struggling every day.

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00:19:01,545 --> 00:19:05,055
I don't even like meditation half
the time, to be quite honest.

329
00:19:05,115 --> 00:19:06,915
I don't think I ever like meditation.

330
00:19:07,935 --> 00:19:09,885
I still get caught up in my thoughts.

331
00:19:11,505 --> 00:19:14,085
I still say I'm fine or
I'm good when I'm not.

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00:19:16,395 --> 00:19:20,865
I think the only difference between me now
and 10 years ago, or perhaps me and you,

333
00:19:22,215 --> 00:19:28,665
is I suffer slightly less and not because
I've stopped having thoughts, I haven't.

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00:19:29,445 --> 00:19:30,465
The thoughts still come.

335
00:19:30,705 --> 00:19:34,095
Luckily they just take hold less.

336
00:19:34,995 --> 00:19:36,615
They clinging to me less.

337
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:41,685
I go with them less or
maybe more accurately.

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00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:46,545
I let go before my hands hurt
to take it to a metaphor.

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00:19:48,165 --> 00:19:49,155
That's the only difference

340
00:19:51,735 --> 00:19:53,625
I let go before my hands hurt.

341
00:19:58,815 --> 00:20:01,155
You don't have to stop saying I'm fine.

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00:20:01,455 --> 00:20:05,565
It's a useful piece of
social fabric, so to speak.

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00:20:07,350 --> 00:20:11,520
Sometimes it's the right answer,
but once a day, just maybe with

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00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:16,110
the right person, maybe just
even with yourself in the mirror.

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00:20:17,190 --> 00:20:18,240
Try another answer.

346
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,210
Actually, today's a hard one.

347
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:23,490
See what happens.

348
00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:31,740
See what room it gives you, and just
open that hand a little earlier.

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00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:35,610
And of course, you know what I
mean by opening your hand just.

350
00:20:36,930 --> 00:20:39,090
Accept it, let it go perhaps.

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00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:47,550
And I've done a companion meditation
with this and the meditation that goes

352
00:20:47,820 --> 00:20:50,580
with this is called when anxiety visits.

353
00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:55,050
It's a five minutes, you sit, you
say hello to whatever is actually

354
00:20:55,050 --> 00:20:57,360
here, and you ask it why it came.

355
00:20:58,410 --> 00:21:04,470
It's the practice of the opposite
to, I'm fine, you can find it on.

356
00:21:04,890 --> 00:21:09,510
Insight timer, aura, or wherever you
listen to Inner peace meditations,

357
00:21:09,870 --> 00:21:11,250
and I will link to it below.

358
00:21:12,570 --> 00:21:18,330
So I'm running out of energy, as
you can probably tell by my voice.

359
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,840
So I'm gonna go now and
I'm gonna say thank you.

360
00:21:22,020 --> 00:21:25,620
Take care of yourself, stay
curious, and I love you.