Becoming Whole – My Favourite Subject and Turning 50

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Transcript
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So I turned 50 years old this week.

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That's something I thought I would never see.

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And whenever birthday come up, I'm always very much celebrating.

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I've never been one of those ones that things.

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Oh, no. I'm 40 or I know I'm 30.

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I'm like, Yes, I made it to 50 years old and being paralysed

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since 18 years old, you know, I was lying in that hospital bed.

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I thought, you know what, if I, in five, ten years

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in paralysed, sitting down my body

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the way it ended up, I thought I would never I thought I'd be good for ten years.

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I'd be pretty good with that.

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But no, here I am, 50 years old, 31 years in a wheelchair.

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I think that's going pretty damn well.

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So, yeah.

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Thank you, Body. Thank you, life. Thank you.

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What's gratitude?

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Every cell in my body that, you know just works tirelessly to keep me here and keep me alive.

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And with this wonderful experience of life.

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And I thought with a wonderful irony in a twist, I spent the evening

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up at the

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crematorium on a carol singing evening, the lovely evening.

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It was a wonderful reminder of the people we lost.

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Wonderful reminder of Jesus been born and the life cycle.

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I was just thinking.

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We often look at 50 years old, just halfway through, or

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if it is halfway through and I've got another 50 years left.

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But in a way, I don't think that's.

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But yeah, 50 years old of the crematorium.

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What a time for reflection.

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And I did.

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Many people have said goodbye to their

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leader, my friend.

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A you know, in the thirties.

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And I say goodbye to many other people.

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Mrs. No's,

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so many other funerals.

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I've been there and Mrs. No's funeral.

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I was really saddened actually, because there was not very many people there.

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I said to the vicar at the time and they were really sad that not many people came to a funeral.

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Annie Guest is not sad.

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I mean, she outlived many of her friends.

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I look today completely different.

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I thought, Wow. Yes.

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And I thought about whenever you see these huge funerals,

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we have literally hundreds and sometimes thousands of people.

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It means that they died too early.

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Maybe they're not

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the universe.

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What the universe does is way above my pay grade.

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But yeah, I just it was a wonderful reflection on my legacy.

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So I thought, that's my next podcast.

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I want to talk about our legacy of what we do and and,

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you know, we all want to leave a legacy of some kind, but I'm not going to go into detail with that.

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I want to talk about coming home.

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I said to a friend emailed me and told me about this,

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and she said about in single and becoming whole.

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And I just thought, Let's do a podcast about it.

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This is my favourite and I love it whenever I come alive, whenever I'm talking about

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becoming integral, becoming whole, becoming the best possible human.

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What does it mean? Was like, how can we do it?

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Does it improve our relationships, all those things.

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So we're going to cover those topics on today's podcast.

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And today's podcast is about becoming all.

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So I'm Stephen Webb.

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This is Stillness in the Storms, a podcast that helps you to get through the most difficult times in life,

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a podcast that helps you to expand your mind and expand the way you live

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and really become more whole.

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Enjoy life more.

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You improve your relationships, improve is the way you live

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and just get more joy out of it.

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And I really want to cover

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the subject of what does it mean to become whole?

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So why is it important?

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Let's cover that to begin with

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and why is it important?

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Well, it will improve every aspect of your life

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more you integrate

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being human and the experience here of being human,

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The more you start to love life and enjoy life, the more gratitude you'll have for every moment.

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It won't always be great.

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You won't get to that place of peace, joy and enlightenment and be happy ever after.

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You will end up having more sad and lonely times as well.

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You'll also have better, happier joy, peace, enlightenment, times as well.

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And so by integrating both, you'll become less of a victim.

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You'll you'll recognise your feelings more often.

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You'll take notice of them.

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And what does it mean by becoming?

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How will?

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For many, many years I suffered from shame and I never knew I did.

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Not me. I'm glad Chip on my shoulder.

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I'm not one of these people that suffers from shame and things like that.

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I'm doing really well in life. I'm always happy

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that I didn't ask people to

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help.

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If someone offered me help, I would say, No, I'm okay.

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I like

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and I never realised why.

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And then I was looking at trying to fundraise for a new electric wheelchair

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and one of my fellow councillors said to me, Why don't you just ask me why?

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I can ask people.

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When I ask people, I got to give them something.

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Is it now You do many things for people.

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Why don't you just ask them to fundraise?

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Ask them to donate towards a new electric wheelchair for you.

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You deserve it.

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I say no, you can do that.

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I've got to like, raise money for charity. I've got to do this.

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I'll do that.

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And I asked.

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And they gave.

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And three months later I bought a new electric route

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and it made me think about something.

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An act said to me one day and we were signing my daily bib.

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And I know I remember the discussion.

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She said something to me and it triggered me.

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She looked up and goes, There's a problem.

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See, you've got a problem with being disabled.

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You have like this chip on your shoulder.

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And she didn't say in that way.

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I cannot remember the exact sentence, she said,

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but I really pissed me off.

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And my normal reaction would be, You're wrong.

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That so?

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You have no idea.

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You don't know what you're talking about.

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And I would argue and I'd fight it, but I didn't.

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I sat there and thought,

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well, maybe if it affects me, maybe if it bothers me, maybe she's right.

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Maybe there's something there.

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Now, then I don't think she was being all right.

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However,

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she was right.

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I had this

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shame about my disability.

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I didn't feel like I earned my

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right to be disabled.

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Zaha, here I am, severely paralysed when I see other people that are disabled.

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I'm like, Wow, you do so well in life

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that I had this deep shame about.

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I was the one that broke my neck and I was a dumb ass that did it.

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So I had a real shame about that,

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asking people for my help.

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It's like, Well, how can I ask someone for my help When I was the one that went and died in the pool?

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I was a dumbass that night.

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So when anybody says to me, You're an inspiration, Stephen, you're doing so well

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and you're doing so amazing, I just.

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I didn't believe them.

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I thought, No, no, I'm the that Martha dived into a pool I created by accident.

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I don't deserve all this help.

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I don't deserve all these things and all these great things

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that people do and help me wave and fund for me and things like that.

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I feel that I've

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got to pay my way and pay it all back

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because I don't deserve it.

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And there it was.

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That was my shame, holding me back for 30 years,

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29 years maybe.

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I can't remember quite when this was.

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And suddenly I felt free.

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Suddenly I could see it.

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Do I still feel shame?

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Yes, that voice still comes up.

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But I've integrated as part of my life now.

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I still feel shame about the actions that I did that night.

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I was a massive dived into the pool.

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But because I integrate that and that feeling,

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I now have the ability to go know what?

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It's not that they're complimenting me on

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when they say you're an inspiration, it's because the other things I do since then, that's what I've done with it.

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So I integrate that.

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So becoming whole is about not denying the bit you don't like or the bits that affect your body.

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You. It's not trying to disprove people that trigger you and bother you.

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It's about, Oh, there's something there that's integrated

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as it is of my life.

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And I do have a shame about my accident where I did it.

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And that's okay to have that.

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But it no longer controls me.

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It no longer affects me in my daily things.

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So when someone offers to help me, my original trigger used to be no know.

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I walk away now

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say No, I'm fine, I don't need it now.

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My initial reaction is, Oh, okay, help me.

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And yeah, so when someone pays me a compliment, now I take and I,

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I am grateful for it.

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So when I say about coming home,

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integrate the things we don't like as well,

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is there the things that are holding you back more and invest in other things you fear going

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Someone says something that pisses you off.

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Go there,

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sit down peacefully. Don't argue.

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I'm not saying argue back and say the wrong end of it.

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I'm saying sit in silence later that day and go,

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Maybe they're right, maybe they're right.

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And with that,

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with that attitude of openness,

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we listen to more voices within.

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And the more voices we listen with then,

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you know, those quiet ones that are screaming out that we're trying to deny

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and those loud ones that we hear all the time,

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that we tend to focus on way, way too much.

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You integrate them more and you kind of level in the amount.

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There's no denying the ones we don't want.

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We enhance them a little more.

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And instead of giving all the attention to the ones that

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we enjoy, we lessen them a little.

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That doesn't mean to say we don't enjoy them,

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but where does this really help us?

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And I tell you one place this really helps us becoming all

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is relationship.

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I've been single.

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I'm been in a relationship

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now. Then this is one of my

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this is where my favourite subject really comes alive and is

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we're not attracted to opposites.

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No, we have this old thought that opposites attract

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and it feels like it and it looks like it, but bear with me a minute.

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Let just just open your mind for a moment and consider this.

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It looks like it from the outside.

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When you look at a couple see you look at that band member that's on stage singing

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and they tend to date someone that's quite quiet on

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the front row and once that

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quite quiet on the front row.

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And so you've got the extrovert on stage

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dating the introvert in the front way,

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and it looks like they're completely opposite

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and they are to the person looking from the outside.

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But really that one on stage wants to enhance that quiet voice inside of them.

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And the one in the front wants more of that louder voice.

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They want to become that.

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So what we do is we end up dating somebody that looks opposite to us.

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Narcissist.

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They really quiet person

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with the quiet voice that isn't controlling,

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that isn't able to take control of situations and make decisions,

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seem to be attracted to the person that makes decisions and take control and vice versa.

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And it's because a person wants to have more control.

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Make decision

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instead of them enhancing it

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and growing that muscle in themselves.

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They somebody

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that does it for them

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and vice versa.

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That narcissist that and I'm saying narcissist,

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we're all narcissists in some respect.

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I'm not talking about a psychopathic narcissist.

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I'm not talking about the word I.

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I'm talking about the teenage

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kind of narcissist is all about me, that kind of person.

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And we can all be there sometimes.

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We you know, we all we all should embrace that

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healthy, narcissistic

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empowerment voice within us, but not the unhealthy one.

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That's not that's not makes those two.

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And if you'd like me to do a podcast on that

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healthy and unhealthy narcissistic control, things like that, I'm more than happy to do.

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So let me now email me.

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Let's go to Stephen Webb, UK, and you could message me more than happy to do that.

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It's a really interesting subject, but going back to

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so the person that

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makes all the decisions

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want somebody to that

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they don't want to make a decision all the time.

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They feel they have to, so therefore they take someone.

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They cannot make decisions, whereas really they want the opposite.

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They want somebody else to do the opposite to them

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is because they want to embrace.

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They feel like becoming whole.

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They have to have somebody else to replace what they are.

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And that's where it comes down to combat muddled up.

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Now, my thinking, but if you think about you as a person,

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as you're developing, if you've got a quiet voice,

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then you tend to date narcissist or things like that.

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Is it really that you are attracted to them

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or is it that you really want to have a little more control in your life

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and you want to have that voice and you want to start making decisions for yourself?

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You fear doing it sometimes.

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So instead of embracing that fear and becoming whole

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and and integrate in that voice,

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you tend to date somebody.

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It it for you.

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And that's why in our twenties, authorities, when we split up in a relationship, it feels like half was ripped apart

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because the person we're dating

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completes us.

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Yeah, that lands like a wow

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indeed for me.

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So in my forties, I started integrating all those voices and I'm still working on it.

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There's no way to get too afraid when you get when you think you got there, you go in as an old,

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as an old ancient Zen saying,

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when you get to the top of the mountain, keep climbing because there's always somebody to go.

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There's no enlightenment at the top of the mountain, but becoming

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whole, you integrate every part of your life,

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you know, right from the grief, the shame to the peace and the joy and the love, the desires.

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You don't deny any of these feelings you enjoy and embrace all of them.

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It'll come and go like the poem by Rumi.

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You know, it's like these emotions will come and go and they're in your house

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and they'll do all these things, embrace them all as if they're a gift from the gods.

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And it's a gift.

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They've been human.

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You imagine getting to the end of your life,

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and we've relied on

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everybody else to complete many things that we are not.

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And you get to the new life and someone says, You know that your favourite band,

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they had another channel you never heard

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or you know, I used things like that and there was extra clothes

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or there was all these other modes in your car that you never switched on, you never knew about them.

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Well, that's what it's like. We deny all those extra modes.

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We deny all these our feelings because about uncomfortable.

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But when you embrace slight uncomfortable,

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you don't only unlock that, you unlock the opposite.

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At the same time

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you when you embrace making decisions.

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If you find it difficult, you unlock the ability to take control of your life

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as well, rather than having someone control your life.

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This makes sense.

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So how do you do this?

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One of the things you can do is give to people

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that you admire and could be famous people.

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They could be this somebody from history or somebody your friends or anything like that.

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You could simply be admire and you can write this down.

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This is a really good exercise.

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Write this down and email me.

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But two people you admire and think of the traits that you admire about them.

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And for me it would be like Bill Clinton.

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And I love the way he talks, the way he embraces

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what seems to be the wisdom and the talks and the

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and the openness to be able to communicate really well despite politics.

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Put politics aside for a minute

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and Jordan Po, my teacher and

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Ocean and many other teachers I've had you know,

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that wholeness and ability to stay wise and calm

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when everything is going really wrong.

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Now I really admire them, but I'm learning to do that in my life.

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And then things are okay.

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Things are

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becoming more whole and you just integrate it.

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And then the more you integrate, the more skills you have, the more ability to be able to do these things.

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Suddenly there you are.

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Not worried about life? No.

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Worried about what comes up because you already have the skills you don't need.

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The other person, a different person,

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and you don't need your teacher, You don't need any of those things.

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You know, the perfect teachers don't.

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They don't say, right, I'm not going to teach you anything,

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but I'm going to hang out with you just in case you need that

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the perfect teacher teaches you use those skill

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and that's the point of becoming whole, is

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now become your teacher

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and your teacher.

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Well, integrate it in your life.

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Don't rely on somebody else.

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Don't rely on life. Don't rely on the government or anybody else.

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Integrate everything in your life.

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You know, listen to those voices.

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Invite the quiet ones to speak up.

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If you find decisions hard,

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not make in smaller decision, and then grow that muscle to do that,

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you know, by not becoming whole, what you do it

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is you asking someone else to go to the gym and do the running for you and you hang out with them

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in some weird way that we think will will get the benefit from Labour.

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So that's why I talk about when I talk about

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becoming whole, let me know if that helps.

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I'm going to go up to my parents right now

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because they've organised a and party for me for my fifth year

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and I'm worried about like sewing and aftercare and then what?

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They're waiting for me.

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So I love you guys.

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You guys have also become more whole. Integrate everything.

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Listen, there's choir voices.

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Stop looking for somebody else to do it for you.

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Stop looking for your teachers to hang out with you just in case you need them.

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You know, embrace all those voices within.

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Soften the louder voices

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within that you always go to embrace the good and bad times, make it all part of it.

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And if you didn't this in my last week's podcast,

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I talked about the stick, the boyfriend's stock shop in the state.

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It's not last week's podcast, and you know what I mean?

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That take care of an awesome week.

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Head over to Stephen Webb, UK if I help in any way cheaply to a coffee that would be awesome.

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Helps me with editing.

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It helps me with I am for the platform that my podcast goes out on

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and it helps me to build my email list

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so I can email you and let you know all those things cost a little bit of money.

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So if you head over to Stephen Webb Dot UK

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TV to a coffee, I don't really buy a coffee.

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Just helps me do these things, the editing and things like that.

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So really appreciate it.

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Otherwise look, just have an awesome week and I will see you next week.

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