Why I’m giving up on my search for happiness.

I mean it. After years—decades even—of relentless pursuit, I’ve decided to give up on my quest for happiness. Why? Let’s delve into a story that sheds light on this crucial decision.

The Streetlight Effect: Searching in the Wrong Place

Picture this: A woman is walking home just after the curtain of night has fallen. She spots a man, intently searching for something under the glow of a streetlight. Intrigued and concerned, she approaches and asks, “What are you looking for?”

“My keys,” he replies, not breaking his rhythm as he continues to scour the ground.

Having joined in his search but to no avail, she questions, “Where did you lose them?”

“In my house.”

Puzzled, she retorts, “Then why on earth are you looking for them out here?”

“Because it’s dark in my house.”

This tale might sound absurd, but it’s an apt metaphor for our lifelong journey to find happiness. Known as the ‘streetlight effect’, this allegory captures the essence of misplaced effort—looking for something where it’s easy, rather than where it’s likely to be found.

The Illusion of Happiness: A Conditioned Mind

What does any of this have to do with happiness? Quite literally, everything.

From the moment we’re born, we’re neutral—neither exuberant nor dejected, a blank canvas. We lack desire because our understanding of feelings is non-existent at this point. With only primal survival instincts at play, we express discomfort through cries—clueless about what we’re yearning for.

As we grow, our interactions with the world condition us. We begin to tag experiences as good or bad, desirable or undesirable. Whether it’s the career we chase, the neighbourhood we choose, or the kind of relationships we nurture, these labels stem from the societal story we’ve absorbed.

The Problem of Attachment: Desires Versus True Happiness

As time goes by, we find ourselves clinging to these so-called ‘good’ experiences while repelling the ‘bad’ ones. We manufacture elaborate narratives in our minds—what our life should be like, how others should treat us, and the type of joy we deserve.

But let’s cut the crap and get back to happiness, shall we?

There’s a stark difference between desires and happiness. Desires are fleeting; they peak and valley like waves crashing against the shore. Remember the honeymoon phase of a new relationship? Overwhelming, exhilarating, yet it fades, doesn’t it? True happiness, on the other hand, is untethered to conditions. It depends on absolutely nothing. It’s a state of grace, a space of accepting life just as it is, warts and all.

The Ultimate Liberation: Ceasing the Search

Too often, we outsource our happiness—hoping to find it in relationships, material possessions, or societal approval. Yet, true happiness exists within you, within me, within us all, right here and right now. It’s not over there or somewhere else; it’s in this very moment.

Accepting the present moment without judgment or expectation liberates you. It allows you to revel in life’s ups and downs without getting tethered to them. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t aim for improvement or seek pleasure; it means recognising that these ‘things’ are transient. So why not stop, breathe, and accept?

If you’ve truly understood this, if you begin to live in this realm of awareness, external circumstances lose their grip on your well-being. You can enjoy the good times and embrace the bad as opportunities for growth. Clinging to pleasure and avoiding pain? How’s that working for you? Chances are, not as well as you’d hoped.

The Final Word: Acceptance Is Liberation

So, stop the futile search. Cease the judgments. Start embracing life as it unfolds. While this won’t negate the need for bettering our lives or our world, it paves the path for inner peace. It’s all about acknowledging where you are right now. Love yourself so deeply and so selflessly that happiness becomes the only option.

portrait photo of Steven Webb in a checked shirt and yellow top

About Steven Webb
Steven Webb is a Zen Buddhist meditation teacher, former Mayor of Truro, and host of the Stillness in the Storms and Inner Peace Meditations podcasts. Paralysed at 18 and reborn through a “dark night of the soul” at 40, he now guides millions worldwide (including one of Insight Timer’s most popular sleep practices) to find peace without perfection. By day, he’s a Truro City Councillor and Lib Dem candidate, advocating for dignity-first policies and community energy projects. Oh, and he once towed a replica helicopter 500 miles in his wheelchair to fundraise for Cornwall Air Ambulance.

“The breath knows how to breathe. Our job? Just allow it.”

A man sat enjoying some peace and quiet

Join Weekly Calm Newsletter

Your Anchor in Life’s Storms

Weekly Calm is your personal guide to tranquillity, delivering practical mindfulness insights and inspiring wisdom directly to your inbox every week.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

A man sat enjoying some peace and quiet

Weekly Calm Insights

Weekly Calm is my weekly newsletter with links to my latest podcast episode, guided meditations and a little bit about me. Working on the weekly part, mostly couple times a month.